Flame Retardant Pajamas

40 pounds of sausage in a casing designed for 30 pounds. Yep, that's pretty much what Owen looks like in 4T pajamas. I really have no idea why kid's pajamas are all flame retardant, I'm sure there's one kid somewhere that would have been saved if they hadn't been wearing loose fitting jammies. Seems to me that ALL clothing for my boy should be flame retardant since he's far more likely to be close to our oven and the fireplace than making a flambe in his room. I don't think he's overweight. Sure, he's built like a 3rd round fullback, but he's definitely not a 1st round left tackle. Based on my informal survey of pot-bellies on 3 yr olds at the playground and in Owen's swim class, I'd say he's about average to above average pot-bellied. It's when I watch him running over people with those big thighs, my God a pre-schooler, that I can tell where all the meat is stored. His legs are massive, just like his Daddy. I would never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever say just like his Mommy.

The tops to flame retardant pjs are fine on him, but the bottoms are always really tight. Out of curiosity, I googled flame retardant pajamas and discovered there is a huge controversy. I knew there was some question as to whether the chemicals used to make them flame retardant were safe, but like everything else related to kids, it's evil and bad and they're going to kill our kids. I cruised through a couple of "Why Flame Retardant Pajamas Are Bad" pages and the crux of the argument seems to be that you don't know what chemicals and in what concentrations. My favorite post was from a Mom of two kids named Birch and Willow. I'll let you guess whether or not she switched from chemically jammies to organic untreated cotton. Her post was actually way better than the "CHEMICALS ARE EVIL!!!!" information most people put up.

Basically, in the 1970s, the Consumer Product Safety Commission decided that kids pajamas needed to be exposed to an open flame for 3 seconds. So various chemicals were used and had to be effective enough to still prevent lil' Junior from roasting after 50 runs through the laundry. Of course, some of these compounds were linked to genetic problems, damage to the nervous and reproductive systems, and possible carcinogens. I decided to google a second search phrase. "Why the hell do kid's pajamas have to be flame retardant?" Nothing of note. If you know why, I would be really curious to find out why in the world pajamas need to be flame-resistant.

In the meantime, I'm not going to worry about it too much. I probably looked like an over-stuffed sausage in the late 1970s and early 80s at bed time too, and I am clearly a genius, handsome, and very good at reproducing. Besides, organic cotton jammies are like $30 and have prints like free-range stallions, trees, and sea turtles being born and making the arduous trek back to the sea. For $10, I can get him spaceship, Star Wars, or Batman pjs. A more effective way to avoid the boy igniting himself is to take away the book of matches and flammable super glue I'm using to encourage construction of a mini-log cabin.

CK

PSA: "The Day The Dinosaurs Died"

WARNING: Do not buy, checkout of the local library, or even open the book "The Day The Dinosaurs Died". Wow, is this book terrible for kids. I started to read it to Owen for bedtime last night and it starts with a T-rex running off smaller dinosaurs to steal the dead dinosaur they were eating on. While Mr. Rex is snacking, an asteroid is getting closer, but he eats his meal without noticing. When he looks up, it's too late.

Then, we turn to the next page and Pteranodons are blown out of the sky by the explosion, rocks boil away, everything is killed instantly. A few pages later, we meet the Triceratops grazing peacefully a few thousand miles away. Sure, the flash of light is scary, but they go back to eating. But they're not safe because there is a wall of fire is closing in around them. But they're not going to be killed by fire because there is a tsunami that's going to put out the fire and drown them all.

Some dinosaurs are lucky enough to survive the instant death by asteroid, fireballs, and tsunamis. Yay, dinosaurs live through the disaster to reproduce and repopulate the Earth? Nope, those ones are going to starve to death because they can;t find food while picking through the ashes.

When the survivors finally starve to death, at least you get to be a fossil in a museum. Again, wishful thinking, how about you get to be rodent food? And the illustrations of the rodents are not friendly, they're frightening. I made the mistake of starting to read this book at bedtime. Very quickly, I was changing sentences from 'Tyrannosaurus Rex died instantly' to 'T-Rex had a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day.' The Triceratops were not painfully slaughtered in a fire/tsunami, they were 'punished for not listening to their Daddies.' Then I gave up and just started flipping pages as quickly as possible. When the evil rats show up to eat the dinosaur that just starved to death, Owen stopped me and announced, "Look at the baby mice!" Yeah, baby mice that are going to help that dinosaur...

We immediately removed that book from the room and it went back to the library immediately. Even before I could scan in some of the pages for this post. I made it up to him by reading a book about people getting free dinosaurs with the purchase of a dozen doughnuts. Talk about a win-win. Daddy gets doughnuts and Owen gets a LIVE pet dinosaur according to that book. Most importantly, Daddy doesn't get up at 2 AM to console a boy crying about the horrible deaths 65 million years ago.

CK

The Gloriousness of One Year

Typically, I focus on the screwball antics of a 3 and a half year old and the wake of destruction he leaves behind. But this post is going to focus on the mini girl version of me. Now that she's 1, she's making leaps and bounds in her motor skills, mobility, and (most importantly) convenience for me.

I have always had trouble with feeding times and keeping her focused with the boy running around. And when Mommy is present, she's got the head on a swivel trying to keep track of her instead of focusing on the fatty caloric goodness on a baby spoon I'm trying to shovel in. Now that her fine motor skills have improved to the point she can grasp peas and other small food items, I just put a smorgasbord of things on her tray to let her decide what she eats and what goes to the dogs. Lily does pretty well with the arrangement and the dogs make out like bandits.

I'm also pretty thrilled that she's starting to grasp the concept of clothing. Rather than fighting to get her into all the cute pink outfits, she's starting to help by pushing her arms straight out. She still wants to get down as soon as possible and get away from Daddy, but it's a lot easier. I'm also thrilled that getting her arms out of the NASA astronaut level safety harness has suddenly gotten a lot better. Normally, she just screams and flails while I struggle to squeeze crazy baby arms out of those tight quarters. It's next to impossible. Suddenly, she gets it and folds those lil' chubby arms up to pull them out herself. It's much easier and those 20 seconds allow me to get to Owen faster. Hint: if you have two children, always get the immobile one out of the car first, then go for the mobile one so it's not running across the parking lot/traffic. Same getting back into the car, corral the more exuberant one first. He is usually upset about something, so getting him subdued faster is always more gooder.

It is kind of nice having her crawling around and entertaining herself more. Sure, I have to be on top of things to ensure that the downstairs gates/bathroom door/front door/back porch door/basement door/upstairs gates/dog water/dog food in bowls are all secured. Not to mention having to make sure the potty in Owen's room is ALWAYS empty just in case she gets over there. She spends tons of time crawling around and throwing toys, figuring things out, and practicing standing up. Instead of having to move her from exer-saucer to bouncer to random spot on the floor, she's much happier for longer periods of time. Another downside is that I do have to spend some time playing referee. Often putting Owen in timeout because he just ripped one of Lily's toys out of her hand. Maybe that's not a downside. Maybe he'll be the best little sharer and listener in the whole pre-school in the fall. Probably not.

One of the best parts of turning 1 is her personality really exploding. I spent some time this afternoon flinging a giggling kid around (gently) and tickling baby ribs. So danged cute with the smile and her little teeth sticking out, dimples, and the grunting chuckle. Just awesome. I had to work for the littlest grin forever and now she's happy as can be. Wait, I just realized she has figured out how to manipulate me. She's been doing it all along! Her brother always ends up in timeout, I dance like her pet monkey for minor approval, and she gets whatever she wants. How did I just get an email confirmation that I bought a pony?

CK

Bob the Builder

Forget Thomas. Forget Fireman Sam. Forget Super Why and all the other shows on the planet. Bob the Builder is the new sheriff in town. It's got everything that a 3 year old needs. Construction equipment, animated characters, annoying voices that drive Mommy and Daddy up the wall, and ridiculous story lines. You can tell when Owen loves something because we are not allowed to enjoy it with him. As he's singing the wonderful Bob the Builder theme song, we cannot even think about bobbing our head and yelling "Yes we can!" to Bob's question "Can we fix it?" If either of us dare get involved with the theme song, he will turn, stomp, and scream at the top of his lungs "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!!!!!!"

I don't see why Bob is any different from the average kids show. One of Bob's machines steps out of line by doing a job too early, their own way, or by destroying something through carelessness. Pretty much exactly what Thomas the Tank Engine does. Or Chuggington. Or Norman Price in the Fireman Sam series. Bob should send the offending piece of equipment to the scrap heap and buy a better model. But no, he laughs it off and spends his client's dollars and time to fix it. Probably with a big change order.

I suppose that even a kids show needs a little drama to make things more interesting. Everyone wants to see a crash. Especially when it's a big cloud of dust and a bunch of cartoon limbs strewn around. At least that would be more entertaining to Daddy until it's 2 AM and there's a 3 yr old boy having nightmares. The lack of serious consequences is good for the little ones and their imaginations. But, I'm sure that's the main reason my boy has never had a cautious moment. He sees Scratch the Excavator get crushed under tons of rock without a...well...scratch. His scraped knees can't possibly be caused by the gigantic feet and clumsiness I blessed him with.

I think I'm going to start my own kid's series. Maybe a giant purple dinosaur that does nothing but hug people and provide good lessons. I think everyone would enjoy that, and my boy would stop face planting on concrete.

CK