What I Learned In 2011

1. Going to work in an office is not work. I can take breaks in an office.

2. Everyone needs a nap at about 2 PM. Daddy included.

3. The hardest thing I ever did was teach a 2 year old to go in a potty and not a diaper.

4. The new hardest thing I will ever do is teach a 3 year old to wipe his own bum. If I manage to accomplish this task.

5. Time doesn't take a day off, doesn't get sick, and goes to the gym everyday. It also made my little girl appear, sit up on her own, and learn basic sign language way too fast. Chances are, it'll teach her to crawl tomorrow and put her through High School next week.

6. Time also turned rudimentary 2 yr old language skills into mostly coherent 3 yr old sentences. Mostly coherent.

7. With expanded freedom comes more face plants because we're going faster and not looking where we're going.

8. Television may represent all that is bad in this world and be responsible for all kinds of social/learning disabilities, but it is my best friend about 4 PM. And 9 AM. And 11:30 AM.

9. A request for juice is not to be taken lightly. It should be delivered as soon as possible. Or else.

10. It is VERY easy to drop 15 pounds when you're not going out to lunch 3 times a week.

11. It is NOT easy to go to the gym 3 times a week with 2 kids.

12. Peanut butter and jelly is a kid's best friend.

13. Peanut butter and jelly is pretty dang awesome for Daddy too.

14. When my kids graduate Magna Cum Laude from an Ivy League school, I will gladly take credit for starting them off on the right foot. But we all know it was Super Readers, Word World, and the Leapfrog Tag Reader.

15. The nap thing is REALLY IMPORTANT.

16. Seriously, naps.

17. One of my goals starting out was to clean the house throughout the day. Not even close. Probably much worse off, in fact.

18. Taking a shower is a luxury. Taking a long shower is an impossibility.

19. I probably owe most of my colleagues, family, and friends apologies for showing my unshaven face in their presence. Like 5 or 6 days before I realize I look like a lumberjack.

20. I was able to cut my coffee use in half. But on the days I had coffee, I NEEDED COFFEE.

21. On days I NEEDED COFFEE, it was often finished 6 hours later and room temperature when I found the half empty mug.

22. Mobilizing a 3 yr old to go to the playground has honed my negotiation skills because what he's currently doing is always the most awesome thing ever.

23. Demobilizing a 3 yr old already at the playground is just a massive test of willpower to see who is the stronger species.

24. If the weather is gorgeous, both kids will be sick. If it's pouring rain, they will be bouncing off the walls.

25. N. A. P. S.

It's been quite an interesting 7 months and I'm looking forward to seeing what they're capable of in 2012.

CK

Tis Better to Receive and Receive and Receive Some More

Now that we are back home and have unpacked the car, the sheer volume of presents our kids hauled in is absolutely ridiculous. There were Hess trucks and firetrucks and trains and of course the dragon castle. Owen's cousin got a police car, an electric guitar, and a matching Hess truck so there would be no fighting between the two boys over THOSE toys.

Of course there was fighting over the Hess trucks because they are 3 years old. They did work together with the trucks a few times, much to the chagrin of the adults. This is what we heard for stretches of 5 to 10 minutes about 5 or 6 times a day:

Fantastic. When they finished playing with the Hess trucks, they would grab the police car and fire truck and save the day (or cause a disaster) with all the flashing lights and blaring sirens. Usually outside the girl baby's door while she was sleeping.

They had a blast playing with each other and it was a lot of fun to watch. They didn't seem to fight over toys as much as they did at the beach. Probably because there were toys as far as the eye could see. Both loved the dragon castle and I don't blame them. Daddy had a lot of fun with it too. With all the features, the highlight is a rotating dragon head with an up and down motion that allows the dragon to eat the warrior knocking on the castle gate. WITH thunder, lightning, and spooky sounds. I spent a LOT of time coaxing three year olds over to it and using the switches on the back to scare the crap out of the boys by threatening to eat them via plastic dragon.

Owen, could you give me a hand to eat...er, with this gate.

After the dragon would almost take a finger and the near-victim had dived to safety and refuse to come any closer, Daddy would laugh and laugh. It should be illegal to have this much fun. Good times.

The interesting part will come in the next day or so when we try to convey that it's time to give after all the fun receiving. I have no idea how a 3 year old is going to handle our request that he pick out some of his old toys to donate or if he will even grasp the concept. Probably the same way he has responded to all of our requests he doesn't like lately, "NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" But we want our kid to be an upstanding citizen that donates his time, talent, and money to worthy causes so it needs to be done. Plus, I'd like to wake up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom without stepping on a Toys 'R Us store.

CK

12 Hours of Christmas

This is how my Christmas went, as depicted by Artie the elf.

8:00 AM: SANTA WAS HERE!!!!!!!!!

10:30 AM: I need a nap, face down in the middle of the floor.

2:00 PM: Buried in discarded wrapping paper and bows, 100% casualty rate.

8:28 PM: It's all fun and games 'til you're halfway through the bottle and get a dino-DUI.

Santa!

So, it's Christmas Eve. We are currently at my in-laws place after a long couple of weeks building up to Santa Day. We started a while back with the importance of being nice instead of naughty. We were ignored and Owen aimed for the naughty list. We bought an Elf on the Shelf and named him Artie, specifically pointing out that Artie would watch Owen's every move and report back to the big man every night. Artie was summarily pummeled and tossed about like a rag doll. Or rag elf.

Artie even played pranks to make sure Owen knew he was being watched. Owen's behavioral response to Artie can be summed up as 'Bah humbug.' Here are some of the situations we discovered our Elf in:

These next two photos are my favorites. Owen loves self-portraits and Artie did the same thing. No way Owen gets the subtle comedic nuance of these photos, but I think I'm clever.

Artie even visited Nana and Papa's house during a sleepover last weekend to make sure he was good away from home too. Of course Artie got into trouble there too:

The wife decided that next year, we'll have to tell the cold fat man to send an Elf that often gets caught being helpful so we can get pictures of him emptying the dishwasher, folding laundry, cleaning Owen's room, etc. Based on the effectiveness of Artie, I want to purchase the special upgrade offered by one of my Facebook Friends, "Krampus in the Closet". From the Krampus Wikipedia page:

'Krampus is a mythical creature recognized in Alpine countries. According to legend, Krampus accompanies Saint Nicholas during the Christmas season, warning and punishing bad children, in contrast to St. Nicholas, who gives gifts to good children. When the Krampus finds a particularly naughty child, it stuffs the child in its sack and carries the frightened child away to its lair, presumably to devour for its Christmas dinner.'

Sounds effective to me. Eventually, we decided that Owen was good enough to provide a nice recommendation to Santa. It might be 51-49, but I don't want to pay for the 'I got a lump of coal for Christmas when I was 3' therapy. What's the problem with coal anyway? I love the stuff, you can use it to cook meat products on a grill.

Now that we'd decided to give him presents, we had to start fighting about Christmas traditions. My family tradition was open one present on Christmas Eve and the rest Christmas morning. Mom would steer us toward a present that was acceptable to avoid heartache from a package of socks and to keep from opening the coolest present too early. I recall being 7 or 8 and insisting I open a gift that sounded good when shaken. Mom tried to convince me to pick another, but I went for it anyway. It was a belt, and I'm not sure if I cried, but there was DEFINITELY wailing and gnashing of teeth. Now that I am a parent that delights in the misery of my own child when physical pain is not involved, I can't imagine how much my parents laughed at me. They're great though, they didn't laugh in my face. Much.

Today, we hit my parent's house for Christmas Eve presents before coming to my in-laws, so no need to do the one present tonight. Once the kids read 'Twas the night before Christmas' with their Gan and set out the cookies and milk, it was off to bed. We immediately jumped on the stockings and Santa presents to get them ready. The Santa presents are the source of the greatest marital disagreements in 7 and a half years of marriage. Seeing everything wrapped up and the stack of presents nearly doubling overnight under the tree is simply amazing and might be my favorite thing about Christmas as a kid. But the wife's family is a bunch of heathens, leaving the toys unwrapped in front of the fireplace. Great, Santa brought him the AWESOME DRAGON CASTLE I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS AND THE EXCITEMENT HAS MADE THE PAJAMAS MOMMY AND DADDY GOt me super boring so I care naught about them.

He should be looking at the big blue felt bag containing said Dragon Castle for 4 hours tomorrow morning while we go through stockings and breakfast and Mommy and Daddy showers to let the anticipation build. Then, when ALL the other gifts have been opened, it's magic time. If nothing else, threats of taking away Santa presents might just buy us another few hours of behaving himself. Probably not.

"Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, anyone stirring had all of their presents returned to the North Pole so go to sleep."

And if you were wondering, being a Daddy and getting to eat Santa's milk and cookies makes them uber delicious.

CK

Super Readers

As we've been fantastic parents raising a little boy who says things like, "It's okay, we all get scared sometimes" and "No thank you very much," we also need to plop him in front of the tv for hours at a time. Most shows are annoying, don't catch his attention, or have all of 2 episodes available on Netflix that we need to watch 18 times apiece.

Super Readers is a welcome change in our home. It's really good at helping with letters, spelling, and basic reading. Makes it fun with the little kid super heroes and Alpha Pig. He's been singing their version of the ABCs lately. Same letters, but a new and exciting rhythm. And then there's how he's taking lessons learned and applies them to every day life.

The Super Readers start the efforts to fix a problem by putting their hands in and yelling "Super Readers...TO THE RESCUE!" He had me put my hand straight out this afternoon and I couldn't figure out why. Until he put his hand on mine and I yelled "Super Readers," which made him scream "TO THE RESCUE!" at the top of his lungs. Whenever we have a horrible problem, like the dog's water being empty, we change the story to fix the problem. Followed by an announcement that "Super Readers saved the day!" So far, Super Readers have saved the day for emptying the dishwasher, making lunch, and putting pants on. Actually, that last one probably was a 'saved the day' situation.

CK

This Kid Has Talent