This is my running diary of thoughts when I watched The Phantom Menace the other day. This was before I decided not to take my boy, or even go see it myself in my small act of defiance. I recommend getting a good bottle of hard liquor and watching the movie. Pretend I'm in the room with my witty comments at the appropriate minute marks and do shots every time there is a really bad line of dialogue.
0:31 The trademark Star Wars logo with the opening brass lick and ensuing word crawl setting the movie up might be the best opening in movie history. Glad Lucas stuck with it across the franchise.
2:10 Big planet, lots of ships, great opening shot. Of course, we also have my first annoyance with the accents on the Trade Federation dudes.
3:15 Ewan MacGregor is a good young Obi-Wan.
3:59 The Trade Federation guys should really have been speaking in their “native” language with subtitles as much as possible.
5:45 Light sabers in the mist = awesome.
6:10 The Viceroy panicking because Jedi on the loose and his friend/assistant/whatever being matter of fact about how the Jedi have pretty much already killed them is well-played.
6:45 Light saber = best lock pick ever.
7:05 Shielded battle droids are nice, but I always wondered about the lack of technology decades after this movie in the original Star Wars. Shields on some droids, but the TIE Fighters at the Death Star don’t have shields or pressurized cabins?
10:57 Who has two thumbs and can single-handedly ruin a movie? Jar-Jar Binks. Wait, does he have thumbs?
12:10 It’s not only the way he talks, it’s also the way he moves that irks me.
15:47 There’s the Jedi mind trick.
16:30 No Liam Neeson, don’t take Jar-Jar with you, leave him to the fat Gungan to get rid of.
17:02 NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
18:12 Giant evil fish = taking my kid for his first pee break. I would like to take him back to the ocean eventually and there’s no way he’s getting in the water if he thinks those things exist.
21:00 I love the city they have on Naboo, looks really cool.
24:45 I also love the huge amounts of droids being turned into spare parts. When in doubt, give me more light-sabering of baddies.
26:20 Of course R2-D2 saved everyone. He’s a rockstar. And why doesn’t Obi-Wan recognize him in A New Hope? I’d remember that droid.
29:10 “You’re a Gungan, aren’t you?” Wait, isn’t Natalie Portman’s character the Queen undercover as one of her hand maidens? Maybe know your planet if you’re the Queen. Do a shot if you can still see straight from Jar-Jar's screen time.
32:00 And here’s the second most annoying character in cinema history, young Anakin.
32:30 “Are you an angel?” And that’s why he’s second most annoying. A quick IMDB check and Jake Lloyd pretty much hasn’t worked since Phantom Menace. I hope he’s okay.
38:30 I don’t know how I feel about the 6 year old Darth Vader building C-3PO.
47:20 WOW, I completely forgot about George Lucas going the ‘Immaculate Conception’ route for Anakin Skywalker. W. O. W.
50:05 I demand a two-headed announcer for all sporting events. I’d watch ANYTHING if there was an Al Michaels head and a Cris Collinsworth head doing play by play and color. Maybe even a third Ron Jaworski head?
1:00:30 I think the best part of this movie is the pod-racing with the different engine sounds, the scenery, and Tusken raiders sitting on a hill side taking pot shots at the racers. It’s fantastic, really. Plus young Anakin and Jar-Jar don’t speak.
1:06:34 The extras in the stands and their half-hearted cheering when young Anakin takes the lead made me giggle.
1:06:45 George Lucas, that was a gratuitous Jawa shot with a random “Utinni!” thrown in. I will allow it.
1:09:40 More two-headed announcer creature! The use of Jabba in this movie was good too, napping at the end, being generally Jabba the Hutt-like throughout the pod-race.
1:16:25 Darth Maul is appropriately evil and bad-ass. I must be cautious about exposing my boy to him.
1:19:53 Throughout the second half of this movie, the sexual tension between young Anakin and Portman is awfully creepy. The only thing creepier is the sexual tension between Lightning McQueen and Sally in the Pixar movie Cars. I know Lucas is setting it up for the romance in the next few movies, but wait for Anakin to be older in the next movie.
1:24:33 Samuel L. Jackson as a Jedi.
1:27:10 The Senate Chambers are a nice feature and I’m glad to see bureaucrats bureaucratting it up and recommending a committee to explore a planetary invasion. Ian McDiarmid hits homeruns throughout the Star Wars franchise and I’m glad that Lucas was able to use him in Return of the Jedi and bring him back many years later as a younger Senator Palpatine. When I meet George Lucas in a bar I think I’ll high-five him about McDiarmid and the original 3 movies. It’d be about 3 hours and several shots later that we’d be having fisticuffs about some of his changes to my childhood and the aforementioned Jar-Jar.
1:33:10 Liam Neeson, you best listen to Samuel L. Jackson and Yoda. When I’m President, I’m hiring Frank Oz and somebody who can work a Yoda puppet to advise me on all matters. Samuel L. Jackson will be my Secretary of State. Mother-#$@%ing North Korea and mother-#$@%ing Iran will get in line in a mother-#$@%ing hurry.
1:37:47 I’m also hiring the Queen’s Security guy, Captain Panaka, for something. He’s a poor man’s Samuel L. Jackson.
1:39:50 I don’t mind all Gungans. I actually like them. Some of my best friends are Gungan. It’s just the one…
1:43:00 General Jar-Jar. General Jar-Jar. General Jar-Jar.
1:45:25 Dilemma time. How much of the battle between Gungans and the droid army do I let the kid watch? Can I send him out into the lobby by himself while I watch it in 3D?
1:47:50 Also high on my priority list during the early part of my Presidency, an executive order making George Lucas do nothing but make movies about fighters in space. And Steven Spielberg can only collaborate with Tom Hanks on WWII movies/mini-series.
1:50:24 Doors open and Darth Maul is standing in front of the full group. With the John Williams soundtrack, I got major goosebumps. Liam Neeson says, “We’ll handle this.” Nice.
1:52:15 Light saber fights, blaster fire, space battles. I’m in heaven.
1:53:33 Jar-Jar with a battle droid stuck to his foot. He’s stomping and the droid is firing into other battle droids. Ugh.
1:54:55 All the Naboo people ascending on the outside of the palace to storm the throne room. Great scene.
1:56:20 What’s with the shielding to stop the light saber fights? On the flip-side, Liam Neeson kneeling down and meditating while Darth Maul stalks around like a caged animal is a great way to handle that.
1:58:53 When I originally saw the movie, I hated the Anakin piloting a starfighter plot point. Now, I’m a fan. Okay, maybe not a fan. But it’s not as bad as I remembered.
2:01:55 The Obi-Wan-Darth Maul duel >>>>>>>>>>> Obi-Wan-Darth Vader duel in Episode IV. Getting old sucks.
2:03:34 Mental note: When President, do not invest in massive droid army controlled by one computer.
2:04:16 I’m fairly certain my boy 1. Will not patiently sit through a two hour movie and 2. Will have horrific nightmares about Darth Maul. Starting to think we’ll need to have a sensory depravation chamber I can shove him into for certain scenes.
2:06:26 More Yodaisms = More Gooder.
2:08:40 The Naboo celebration parade < Ewok Celebration.
2:09:39 One last sly wink between Portman and Young Anakin before the credits. *shiver*
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