The Phantom Menace

I love Star Wars. The original, unedited version of A New Hope from my childhood with Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Chewbacca, and the Death Star almost getting the shot on the moon of Yavin before some farm kid bullseyes a womprat with his T-16. The Empire Strikes Back is also excellent with the battle on Hoth and Yoda with his Yodaisms. Return of the Jedi used to be my favorite of the three, but as I grew up, I put the childish Ewoks in their place in the pantheon of Star Wars. They're just great good vs. evil stories, lots of quotable lines, and good special effects for the time period.

I had the toys and a lot of memories to go with them. My limited edition Emperor Palpatine that Grandma sent off for is currently on the roof of Norcross Elementary school because he was using a handkerchief parachute and 2nd Grade Chris had a cannon for an arm. I remember the day I 'flew' my x-wing fighter down the trench of our sandbox. Sadly, I ended up more like Gold leader in my x-wing than Luke Skywalker because one of the wings snapped off. After watching my boy 'play' with his toys in the same destructive manner, I know now that my parents are highly intelligent people so I think I've finally forgiven them for not getting me the Imperial AT-AT and Millenium Falcon. There Mom and Dad, you made good parenting decisions because the amount of screaming I would have done when a leg fell off the Imperial walker... Wow.

A couple of my earliest memories involve going to the movies with my Dad. Two of the movies that I remember are E.T. and Return of the Jedi. In the late 1990s when George Lucas re-released the original trilogy leading up to the 3 prequels, I saw all of them on the first day they were out and each at least twice so I could see them on the big screen. That's when the wheels started to come off. Lucas changed quite a bit in A New Hope, most notably making Greedo shoot at Han Solo first and adding a scene with Jabba the Hutt where Han and Jabba have pretty much the same conversation Han and Greedo just had. Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi also had some stuff changed, but nothing that bothered me as much as the Greedo shoots first and Jabba scenes. There are two quotes, sources unknown, that perfectly sum up my feelings about the Speical Editions that came out in the late '90s. The first is "Show me on the Star Wars Trilogy where George Lucas hurt your childhood." and the second is "A great artist isn't finished when there is nothing left to add. A great artist is finished when there is nothing left to take away."

When the prequels came out, once again I was there on Opening Day for all three. Okay, I was in college, what else was I going to do? Go to class? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Mom and Dad, ignore the beginning of this paragraph. Sure, I'm a nerd, but I didn't dress up in costume, so I can retain a little dignity. Not much, but a little. I came out of The Phantom Menace pretty much weeping. I hated it, and I'm usually the kind of guy who likes a movie the first time and it sours over time if I think about it (Independence Day is one of those movies for me). Not this one. Jar-Jar was horrendous and then here comes Young Anakin, just as bad as Jar-Jar. There were some good parts, but it really bothered me. I did go see the next two movies and thankfully, they were pretty good compared to The Phantom Menace. Even saw them both more than once before they left the theater. But I have definitely not seen any of the prequels since they left theaters 10 years ago.

Well, here we are in 2012. I have a 3 yr old boy who has watched Star Wars several times, fast forwarding through some of the more sensitive parts of course. He likes the robots and spaceships. You've seen the pictures of our Halloween costumes (I'm Luke with Lily Yoda strapped to my back, next to Owen Wan Kenobi). He owns a light saber. And my biggest goal as an adult was to have a son to take to the movie theater to see Star Wars. I want to watch him hit a homerun in t-ball and shout, "Great shot kid, that was one in a million!"

Beginning today, 2-10-12, PM is back in movie theaters as a 3D movie. This is my moment of glory, I can start taking my boy to see Star Wars in the movie theaters. Right? Well, because I am a somewhat competent parent, I needed to screen Phantom Menace to see what's in it. See when I would need to force potty breaks or an M&M run. I borrowed my Dad's copy and took advantage of my sinus infection waking me up at 5 AM to watch it. During the movie, I kept a running diary with my thoughts that I will post separately if you're as big of a nerd as I am and care to go through it. After watching it 13 years later, I still don't like the movie. There are parts of it that I really enjoy, but Jar-Jar and the Young Anakin characters really ruin the thing for me. I identified 3 points that would definitely need to be missed by a 3 yr old.

But then I came to a realization. Why should I expose my kid to a sub par movie? Or why should I pay to see Jar-Jar in 3D? As Jack Paar once said about politicians, "Don't vote, it only encourages them." I feel the same way about Phantom Menace in 3D. I'll wait a few years for the good Star Wars movies and take my boy to those when he's a little older. Until then, I will continue to be a great parent by making sure he doesn't learn about terrorism, 9/11, or Jar-Jar Binks before he is emotionally mature enough to handle the evil that exists in this world.

CK