Since it's been way too long since I cracked a good poop joke or gave you an update on my brilliant potty training efforts, here we go. I should definitely be paid for potty training, really no accidents during the day or at night in a long time. Sure, we have an occasional leak because we're playing on a playground, strapped into the car seat to extend his nap, etc. The wife gets a high 5 for suggesting we leave his little training potty in his room at night. But really no incidents. It might be our greatest accomplishment as parents to date, makes us feel like we are raising a human instead of a third dog.
He's really good at dropping his own pants and wandering into the bathroom to do his own business if we're occupied and can't help him. He knows how to flush and we'll eventually learn how to return pants to their original upright and locked position. All in good time.
Our toilet stands 15 inches high and is the perfect height to keep everything within the designated firing zone. When you get out into the world, the toilet height can vary significantly, often being less than 15 inches, and horror of horrors, 15 and 1/2 inches or higher. Since wee bladders are activated by being out in public, we know the locations of all the bathrooms at the stores, parks, and Doctor's offices in the area. We visited the Doctor last week to get him diagnosed with pink eye and pick up a prescription. Since we were in and out of the Doc's fast, his bladder didn't trigger until we were in the pharmacy (to remain nameless so we are allowed back - I'd also hate for other little boy Daddies to miss out on this experience). Hint: Commode Very Substantial.
We entered the bathroom and went through the pre-flight checklist. Pants down, underwear out of the way, step up to the plate...oh crap. We hit a 15 and 1/2 inch toilet. The firing mechanism is located at 15 and 1/4 inch above the floor slab. In this situation, you have to calculate the angle of attack in order to arc up and into the target in more of an indirect firing procedure than a typical point and shoot.
Two minor problems:
1. You have about 0.3 seconds between unveiling of the weapon and commencement of the firing.
2. Your peeing contest prowess is inversely proportional to your height. The smaller you are, the farther you can propel. He can easily clear his height and then some.
I couldn't get him to hold it long enough to pick him up. We didn't have a spare pair of pants so I had to protect them at all costs. And you try explaining the finer points of getting up on your tippy-toes to a 3 year old mid-stream. I made a snap decision that the bathroom walls were covered in that linoleum wall sheeting and would be the safest target. I didn't recall giving him 4 gallons of juice before we left the house, but his bladder apparently thought so.
We wrecked this bathroom. Ever seen an old black and white war movie where the submarine gets hit? I know what that stricken U-Boat crew feels like. After damage control shut down the leak, I reached for the paper towel dispenser. Of course it was empty. I started to go for the toilet paper to leave the next inhabitant in a terrible situation, but thankfully there was a free-standing roll of towels sitting next to the toilet and we mopped up as best we could. Well, I cleaned up while he tried to open the door and walk back into the store with his pants around his ankles. I'm happy to say the ankle pants held nary a drop of urine.
I learned a very important lesson. Always carry a tape measure when you leave the house.
CK
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