The wife and I were chuckling about the latest crazy statements and we needed to start a list. This is that list. Likely to be expanded often, new items are in italics at the top.
Playing with the new bath letters that stick to the wall:
Owen: "These are Os."
Me: "Well, one is an O and the other is a zero."
Owen: "No, they're Os. And they're green."
Me: "Yes, they are green, but one is a zero."
Owen: "No Daddy, that's silly."
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Looking at his Mommy's belly button during bedtime: "Your penis is inside-out!"
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Owen knows we're going to get pizza and looks at the sign next to the pizza place: "K - U - M - O - N...PIZZA!
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At the store in Georgia on a Sunday, where beer and wine sales are not allowed
Me: "Oops, I forgot you can't buy wine on Sunday. *fake panic voice* OH NO!"
Owen: "Don't be sad."
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Owen, randomly at breakfast: "My birthday is coming over!"
Mommy: "Your birthday is coming over?"
Me: *laughing*
Owen: "It's bringing presents!"
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During quiet time, Owen decides to play with his snap together Thomas take and go track:
Owen: "It's broken, I need to fix it."
Me: "Okay, you go fix it."
Owen walks away and comes back 15 seconds later: "I need a screwdriver to fix it."
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Looking at his Halloween Candy Haul, Owen: "Can I have this one?"
Me: "No, we already had some candy."
Owen holding up a different piece: "How about this one?"
Me: "No, you've had enough candy."
Owen holding up yet another piece: "How about this one?"
Me: No, no more candy tonight."
Owen proceeded to hold up every single piece of candy and ask "How about this one?"
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Owen, looking at the garden: "What's this?"
Me: "That's called bok choy. It's for stir fry."
Owen: "No, it's salad. What's this?"
Me: "Raddichio, it's lettuce."
Owen: "No, it's salad. What's this?"
Me: "Mesculin. I mean it's salad like the rest."
Owen: "I don't like salad."
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Owen: "I have an idea guys!"
Mommy: "You have an idea? What's your idea?"
Owen: "I'm going to make you guys happy!"
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Me: "Do you want to read 'Sneetches' tonight?"
Owen: "No! That's too dangerous!"
Me: "What makes it dangerous?"
Owen: "I don't like that one."
Me: "That makes no sense, liking something doesn't make it dangerous."
Owen: "Motorcycles are dangerous."
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Owen had a cold and felt a little warm to his Mommy. Owen, after Mommy checked him with the rectal thermometer: "I'm feeling better!"
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Me jokingly to the wife: "Look here missy!"
Owen to his mommy: "Look here missy!"
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The wife sarcastically: "I feel sexy."
Owen enthusiastically: "I feel sexy TOO!"
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Me: "Dinner is imminent."
Owen: "Dinner is immi..imm...imma...immimmiimiiimmi....ALL DONE!"
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*Me with car keys between my teeth so I can buckle him into his car seat with 2 hands*
Owen: "Don't eat the keys Daddy! That's DANGEROUS!"
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Owen in a parking lot: "Mommy, no penis. Daddy, penis."
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Over Play-Doh:
Me: Now what animal should I make? A snake?
Owen: A snake! Yes!
Me: Okay, here you go.
Owen: It's happy.
Me: It's a happy snake? That's good.
Owen: It's happy snake. And happy monster.
Me: Okay, now what animal should I make?
Owen: Walrus.
Me: Let me guess, a happy walrus?
Owen: Nooooooo, a silly walrus.
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Owen at dinner: "Daddy's in the car."
Me: "I'm in the car? Where am I going?"
Owen: "Yes."
Me: "Okay. So I'm in the car going to yes. Is there anyone else in the car?"
Owen (excited): "A octumpus!"
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Me to Owen at the front door in my dress shoes: "Where are you going buddy?"
Owen: "Work!"
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Owen, randomly out loud referring to Thomas the Tank Engine: "Thomas has penis."
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Owen: "I pooped in my pants! Yay Owen!"
Me: "No, not 'Yay Owen.'"
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Owen to Mommy as she was trying to decide what to wear: "Mama needs pants!"
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Owen, hiding when you see him and he's not ready to be found: "NO! I'm HIIIIIIDING!"
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Owen, during lunch: "NO! Eat your soup with spoons you guys!"
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Owen: "I see a spider!"
Me: "Oh yeah, I see it too. It's called a wolf spider and it eats bugs."
Owen: "I LOVE it! I squash it!"
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Owen, guess where: "I make lots of stinkies. It splashed."
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Owen on the swingset at the park, with some construction equipment nearby: "Yay Owen and Daddy we swinging together looking at backhoe and going fast."
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After answering some questions honestly:
Owen: "Owen has a penis. Daddy has a penis. Mommy has a *garbled word that roughly rhymes with vagina*. Poor Mommy."
Mommy: "No, Mommy wants no part of having a penis."
Mommy to Daddy: "I didn't know 2 year olds were aware of penis envy."
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About to vacuum the house:
Owen: "We're going into the vacuum."
Me: "That's not safe, there's no air in a vacuum."
Owen: "There's no air in a vacuum."
Me: "Good, where's your Nobel for Science?"
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Me: "What do you have in your mouth?"
Owen, pulling something out of his mouth: "A rock."
Me: "Why are you eating a rock?"
Owen: "You want one for your mouth?"
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After falling halfway down the stairs because he was goofing off, right after the crying has stopped and my wife's heart started beating again:
Owen: "I fell down."
Mommy: "Yes, it was terrible."
Owen (starting to smile): "I rolled down backwards."
Mommy: "I know."
Owen: "It was fun. I do it again?"
Mommy: "No, never again."
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Right after picking weeds in the yard on the way to the car:
Owen: "Owen and Daddy like weed."
Me: "No, that would be illegal and Mommy would be mad."
Owen: "Mommy doesn't like weed."
Me: "Right, now climb in the car and let's go."
Owen: "Owen and Daddy GOOOO! With weed."
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Me: "Owen, show your Mommy the tomatoes you just picked."
Owen: "Mmph, mmmm, phmph." *mouth full of the cherry tomatoes he just picked*
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We were outside and away from home on a cold day and he needed help going potty:
Me: "Sorry my hands are so cold buddy."
Owen: "ME TOO!"
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Owen: "I want coffee."
Me: "No, coffee is for Daddy to drink."
Owen: "Beer is for Daddy TOO!"
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Me: "Owen, are you licking that tree?"
Me: "Owen, stop licking that tree."
Me: "Owen, would you please stop licking the tree?"
Me: "Owen! Stop. Licking. The. Tree."
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