Discipline

We have a 3 and a half year old living in our home. Or a hardened felon with a rap sheet a mile long. Sometimes I'm not really sure. When he was 18 months old, he would get upset about everything, but we kind of figured that would be the case. Everything revolved around him, he wanted what he wanted immediately, and he didn't have a grasp on the English language. Which is pretty much what happens now, because he gets so upset, he forgets to annunciate during his whining. It definitely helped that we taught Owen some basic sign language, so he could tell us he wanted milk, that he wanted to go to sleep, etc. His terrible twos weren't really that bad. It was just the 6 months or so right before he turned 2.

But when he turned 3...WOW. Where did my adorable little chubby toddler go? Now I have a surly, non-sharing, walking time bomb. See my post entitled So THIS Is Age 3? and you get a good idea of the bad days. We'll often go a couple of days without needing a timeout, then knock out about 3 timeouts in an hour. This is totally my fault. Not due to bad parent, it's my fault genetically. I was the little boy getting into trouble for peeing in the neighbors yard. I was the little boy getting into trouble for walking out the front door and riding my big wheel around the neighborhood. When I was in kindergarten or first grade, I vaguely remember being told not to use a knife to cut some sort of fruit, so I got a knife and promptly sliced my finger requiring a trip to the doctor. But I would NEVER have hit my sister like Owen does. My parents (and my sister) might tell you differently. Ask the wife's Mom about her behavior and a child and you would be hard pressed to find a more perfect little angel. The wife once told her Mom to warn her if Mom was about to yell so she could behave and avoid getting yelled at. Owen clearly takes after Daddy.

We're using the timeout system for discipline. It's pretty straightforward and has been somewhat effective. You put the kid in timeout using the special timeout chair in a boring area of the house. You get down on the child's level, explain what they did wrong, and tell them they'll be in timeout for x minutes. X being the age of the child. If the kid leaves timeout, you put them back in timeout and restart the clock. After the timeout ends, you get down on their level again to reiterate why they were in timeout and tell them to say sorry to any offended parties. Last, tell them how much you love them and give a big hug. Owen is a world champion timeout sitter. He is usually patient, and very rarely leaves timeout in the middle. Now that he knows the process, he gives you an appropriate sad look, utters a contrite sorry, and then gives the world's biggest hug. Maybe he gets himself in timeout just for the hug.

In the last couple of months, his acting out has gotten worse. A few times he's even looked right at me and done what I just told him not to do. We do a lot of timeouts for bad listening. A LOT. I took a stand at my parent's neighborhood pool a few weeks ago for a string of really bad listening decisions over about 4 minutes. Including the first time he gave me a look I wanted to wipe off his face. Finally, we just left the pool 10 minutes after he got there. Tons of screaming, but I will not have bad listening at the pool or on the lake where he can drown for bad listening. I'm sure he'll listen to me next time, or we'll leave again.

We've also done several timeouts for hitting his sister. This has been the biggest discipline issue we've faced. It's just not okay to hit his sister, or really anyone else for that matter. I was yelling at him, he knows it's automatic timeout, but he just can't help himself when his sister goes to play with his train table. No one, not no one, destroys Owen's train tables except Owen.

In addition to hitting his sister, he randomly hit a little boy at Bounce U one morning. I snapped him out of the bounce house by one arm and got into his face. He had to apologize to the other little boy, the little boy's mommy, and me. I was putting his shoes on him and told him we were going home because he hit someone. There was screaming, crying, a timeout, and I relented, warning him that another hit and we would never come back to Bounce U. He was good, but I kind of regret backing out on the consequence.

That didn't end the hitting problem., there have been a few more problems, mostly with his sister. I've seen other little kids hit him, but he's been good about not hitting back. With the exception of one overwhelmed Mommy with newborn twins, all the other parents of hitting kids have acted to stop their hitters in their tracks. We haven't had a hitting incident in a few weeks, maybe because the last time Owen hit his sister, I got in his face and we had a come to Jesus moment. Basically, I used a voice that can only be achieved by a father. It's basically the calmest, angriest, I mean business tone you can possibly use. To put it in writing is hard, but here goes: "HITTING YOUR SISTER IS NEVER OKAY AND IT NEEDS TO STOP RIGHT NOW." Didn't know I could achieve that voice and I like to think he will never hit his sister again. Ha!

I never thought I would be a proponent of spanking, but understand its use. I had a couple of times I needed to be spanked, and it definitely made me a better person. The wife NEVER even came close to earning a spanking, the goody two shoes. She is definitely against it. I'm torn, it seems like a watershed moment that would stop a bad behavior, but as the wife will say, "It's never okay to hit, now I'm going to hit you as punishment." I tend to agree with her there, but I think we're going to have to discuss this again soon for something else.

It led me to ask my parents for advice. They're the perfect parents for this question. They have a son that's about 2 and a half years older than their daughter, like me. They spanked a few times, but never abusive. So, I asked them, "How did you get me to stop hitting my sister, even if she deserved it?" My Dad's answer was classic. "Once your sister learned to hit back, you stopped." Perfect, Lily starts karate tomorrow.

CK